Thursday, September 30, 2010

Through Open Eyes

     I haven't posted in a while and quite a bit has happened since my last posting.

     I just got back from my friend's house and I had a blast. We mostly played Xbox360 and just hung out. But while I was gone, I came to a lot of realizations. First; Everything happens for a reason. Secondly; If it's God's will to bring my baby back to me, it will happen. Third; I don't care what anyone says, it's not easy to get over lost love. Sure, there are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm not in the sea. I'm in a fish tank, and in that fish tank there is only one other fish I have my eyes on. A beautiful fish revered by many other fish. And while I might be having a little bit of trouble letting this particular fish back out into the ocean, I know she'll be able to fend for herself and have no problem finding joy in whatever she does.

     I know it's kind of a lame analogy but this is my blog and I say what I want...... Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

     On a serious note, I have never felt such relief and peace of mind until I let God into my life. I no longer wonder if this fish has found another mate yet. I no longer wonder if she's safe and ok. Because I know that this fish can undoubtedly be happy in whatever she does and I know she'll be safe and not do anything for me to worry.

     Bob Seger has had a great impact on my life recently. Suddenly, I feel like I can relate to the lyrics of his song, Turn The Page.

"On a long and lonesome highway
East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine
Moanin' out his one note song
You can think about the woman
Or the girl you knew the night before
But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
You just wish the trip was through

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

Well you walk into a restaurant,
Strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you
As you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you
But you just want to explode

Most times you can't hear 'em talk,
Other times you can
All the same old cliches,
"Is that a woman or a man?"
And you always seem outnumbered,
You don't dare make a stand

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

Out there in the spotlight
You're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy
You try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body
Like the music that you play

Later in the evening
As you lie awake in bed
With the echoes from the amplifiers
Ringin' in your head
You smoke the day's last cigarette,
Rememberin' what she said

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page."

 ============================

     I know we were meant to fine each other. I just hope that it's in God's plans for us to find each other again. I pray every day for God to give her peace of mind, an open mind, and for Him to show her His plan. As I've said before, all I want is for her to be happy, and if that's not with me, then I'm ok with that. As long as I know she's with a guy who treats her right, loves God, and respects and honors her, then I'll learn to cope with the pain. God is helping me so much through all of this and I know I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without Him.

     If you're reading this, love of mine, I love you very much and I want you to live your life happy with no regrets. I forgive you. I don't even know if you ever did anything to be sorry for or anything that needs my forgiveness, but if so, I forgive you. I love you with all of my heart and that will never change.

     You asked me the other day if I hated you. The answer is no. I could never hate you. I'm very hurt about what's been happening with us, I miss you very much and I'm sorry it had to end this way. I'm in no way angry with you. I'm so happy I was blessed to have you for as long as I did, there's no room for anger in my heart.


     I know that at times I seem very pathetic and depressed, but inside I am overwhelmed with joy that, for a short while, I could call you my girlfriend.

-Josh Jeffrey

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