Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Beginning Of The End

     My name is Joshua Paul Jeffrey. I go by the name Josh to most people or to one special person, "Yoshi".

     My life is like any other person's life and this blog starts out the same as many, the topic of today's post is "Love Lost". I was with a girl for a year and a month. Not my longest relationship but the first person I have ever loved and the first person I have ever truly made love to. We had an amazing relationship while it lasted, although I made several horrible mistakes, but we'll get back to that later.

     I love this girl with all of my heart. She's charming, witty, funny, sweet, passionate, and the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid my eyes on. And I just let her slip right through my fingers. This girl who will remain nameless, took my heart and held it with such gentle love and care. I have never been with someone so real and so honest and so loving before. I've had several "loves" in my day but I never truly knew what love was like until I met this girl. She and I defined each other. We lived together for %99 of our relationship, and the only time we didn't live together was when we first met.

     From the moment I met this extraordinary girl I knew things would be different forever. I knew I needed to have her in my life, as a friend or otherwise.

     The first date we went on, we were so comfortable with each other instantly. At the time, neither of us wanted a relationship. We were both just looking for physical contact of the opposite sex. But as I got to know this girl for who she really was, I found out what an amazing person she is. On our second date before entering a relationship was amazing. We didn't go out to dinner or see a movie or anything like that. We just went to the park, held hands and kissed. As an example of how comfortable we were with each other, as I got out of her car for her to go home, on instinct, she told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. Without hesitation I told this new girl, whom I had only met on MySpace and in person once before, that I loved her. It wasn't a lie.

     Over the next several months, we spent nights together, got to know each other better, and before you know it, she moved in with me and my parents. Our love was a love that was more than love, no doubt about it.

     Around the 8-9th month of our relationship, tragedy struck. Me in my immature self broke up with the girl of my dreams (not knowing what I had), and had relations with another individual who will also remain nameless. This is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. I have ALWAYS said, "I regret nothing, because everything I've been through had made me who I am today". Now I have two regrets, leaving her and having sex with another girl, and letting the girl of my dreams slip right through my fingers.

     I couldn't have been more upset about what I did. I cried and cried and begged her for forgiveness and finally, after telling her what a huge mistake I made, she took me back. From then on, I never took her or her love for granted again.

     For the next several months, we had amazing times. I went on a road trip to Ohio with her and her mom (which was an honor I cannot explain), we fell asleep together every night, and woke up with each other every morning. I still didn't realize how much I could really love someone until recently.

     When I found God, it came at a bad time, I wronged some people and made a complete ass of myself and embarrassed myself, the love of my life, her mother, and my entire family and that's something I'll never forgive myself for. I cannot explain to you how much it kills me to this day to admit it, but I didn't know a good thing when I had it, and I would do anything to feel those lips against mine once again.

     I have God in my heart now and he's helping me through this time of need (needless to say, the girl of my dreams fell out of love with me, with good cause too. Who could REALLY love someone as heartless and immature as myself). I always told her I needed her because she always told me she needed me. Truth be known, I never NEEDED her. I loved her so much, that I WANTED her around in whatever I did. I always wanted to be by her side no matter what. I couldn't sleep when I was out of town because I knew if I had a bad dream, I would wake up without her to console me. That was another mistake, I told her I needed her too often. Yes, my love, I do want you around. More than you know. But look at me now, I'm a mess. I miss you more than you could possibly imagine and I haven't gone 30 minutes without breaking down. I'm not writing this for anyone to pity me and I'm not writing this to hurt your feeling or to make you feel bad, my nameless love. I'm writing this to help me cope. I'm writing this to help me live through this time of depression and hatred (towards myself).

     If you're reading this, I'm not looking for your "Awws" and your "I'm sorrys". I want it to be known that I loved and lost. That I took a girl for granted and now she's gone. I can't help her feelings and I don't want her back if her heart isn't truly into it. I want her love, and if I can't have it, I want her to be happy in whatever she does. I could never be mad at her, or hate her, or stop loving her. It's who I am. I love this girl with my entire heart and that will never change.

     Please forgive me, my love for all I have ever done to hurt you. As I have said, I didn't know a good thing when I had it and I let you slip right through my fingers. That's something I'll never forgive myself for.

     If we don't work out in the end, I want you to have a good life. I want you to find someone who treated you better than I ever did. I was an asshole, a jerk, and a very mean person towards you sometimes and if I had known that then, things might be very different now.

     You have taught me many things about myself that I didn't know. You taught me that I can be strong, you taught me how to love, and most of all, you taught me about God. For these things, I could never repay you.

     If you're reading this, please know that this isn't me begging for you to come back to me. That would be really easy for me to do. This is me, letting you know how much I love you. This is me letting you know that I'm in love with you and I always will be. No one and nothing can ever take away the fantastic memories we shared and that's all I have left now. All that remains is my memories of you and that's what's keeping me going. When I cry or get down, I think about going to Ohio with you, spending the day at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and eating lunch over Lake Erie. These are memories I'll never forget and memories like these are what help me sleep at night and get through the day.

I promised you that I'll be safe and I know it eases your mind and heart knowing that I would never hurt myself. All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means I can never hold you in my arms or kiss you again, so be it. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and have a good life.

Yours now and forever,
-Joshua Jeffrey

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