Today was a great day, I beat a video game with my brother, I went for a swing on the rope swing in the back yard, and I read the first 15 chapters of the Bible. I never knew that I could be so loved and so taken care of the way God takes care of me and loves me. When I pray for strength, I feel His presence inside of me, cheering me up and showing me the beauty of the world. A year ago if you had asked me if I have faith, I would have said no, I was an atheist. But after all that's happened in my life like finding true love and spending a year with an amazing girl, whom I will never forget, I have found God and realized He's been there, watching over me, all along.
I met the love of my life on MySpace. And if you know me, you know I NEVER check my MySpace. I just happened to be online at the same time she was and I struck up a conversation with her. Little did I know I would fall in love and spend a year and a month with the girl of my dreams. Even though it's over now, I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that for a year, she was all mine. We went to bed together, woke up together, went out to smoke together and countless other things that may seem normal to you, were made magical just because of the person I shared those times with.
I sat outside on my dad's tailgate of his truck and remembered the countless nights and days she and I would spend out there. Smoking cigarettes and watching the clouds or looking at the stars. These things may be taken for granted by some people. Most people look up at the sky and see white and blue. When I was with her, I saw beauty and love in everything, living or inanimate.
Now I feel the same way as I did way back then since I have let God into my heart. These cold winds don't seem quite so harsh anymore, instead they remind me of when I first met this love of mine. It was the perfect weather, warm in the sun, cool in the shade every day. And being outside, looking at God's work and everything he has done to make all of this happen brings tears to my eyes. Not because I lost a love, but because I had a love for as long as I did. I was honored to spend 13 months with this girl and I would never want to forget that. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons and I did a lot of growing with this gorgeous girl and nothing can take that away from me.
Here's a passage of the Bible that really spoke to me, being a man of lesser faith and an Atheist for years:
Psalms 119:28- 42
I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with your words. Keep me far from every wrong; help me, undeserving as I am, to obey your laws, for I have chosen to do right.I cling to your commands and follow them as closely as I can. Lord, don't let me make a mess of things. If you will only help me to want your will, then I will follow your laws even more closely.
Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live I'll wholeheartedly obey. Make me walk along the right paths for I know how delightful they really are.
Help me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from wanting any other plan than yours. Revive my heart toward you. Reassure me that your promises are for me, for I trust and revere you.
How I dread being mocked for obeying, for your laws are right and good. I long to obey them! Therefor in fairness renew my life, for this was your promise--yes, Lord, to save me! Now spare me by your kindness and your love. Then I will have an answer for those who taunt me, for I trust in your promises.
I know God is in my heart now. He's in every breath I take, every step I have, and every thought that crosses my mind. I want God to fill me up with His love, and he has. If you had told me a year and 3 months ago that I would meet the girl of my dreams, move in with her, get my heart broken, still love her, break her heart, she'll still love me, and find God, I would have laughed you out of my house. I never would have thought that my life would take a turn like this. 19 months ago, I was house sitting for a friend, playing Xbox 360, and not giving a shit about anything. Now I have something true to live for. I live for God now. 6 months ago I lived for the love of my life, I would have done anything for her and I still would to this day, but there's a new kind of love in my heart now, my love for God and God's love for me.
I conclude this post with one last word. If you have love, never let go of it. Never take it for granted. Never ask too much, never whine about useless shit, never treat her bad. Because if you do, you'll regret it. I took her love for granted and I just sat by while she slipped right through my fingers. I didn't even notice, wanna know why? Because I was too busy arguing about useless shit and picking fights over nothing. I just HAD to have the TV on at night. Or I just HAD to stay up late when she went to bed. If I had it to do all over again, I would have spent every moment with her I could. Never taking my time with her for granted. I know what it's like to love now. My heart has recently been opened to God and I can see now how much one person is capable of loving another. I spent a year with her before opening my eyes and heart to God. If I knew then what I know now, not only would I be happy to do it all over again with no stupid mistakes and arguments, I would have had God in my heart along with her from the beginning.
If anyone is reading this, know that I love you. Know that God loves you. And when it seems like a coincidence that you meet some random girl on the internet, think about God. I know without a doubt that God wanted us to meet, whether he wants us together or not still, I do not know. But what I do know is that without him, none of this could have been possible. Without him, subconsciously encouraging me to check my MySpace, I never would have met the girl of my dreams and I never would have learned all of these great life lessons. I love you God, thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't know it.