Thursday, October 21, 2010

Through Hell And Back

Hey I just realized how long it's been since I updated last and I think it's about time :)

I really don't have much that I wanna share publicly so instead, I'm gonna post my favorite things I've found in StumbleUpon. Enjoy :)

1.- Very close-up photographs of the human eye:

 2.- A very creative video about pixels and retro gaming:

3.-  Hahahaha going down in style.. That's the way to do it..

4.-  Xbox Etiquette, the right way to game:

5.-  REALLY funny Captcha comics:

6.-  Japanese men walking in fake slow motion:

7.- How to figure out combination lock numbers:

8.- Generate random facts:

9.- Need to save your seat in public?

10.- The quote database:


That's all for now :) I hope you found something here that you have never seen before. Let me know what you think! 


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Through Open Eyes

     I haven't posted in a while and quite a bit has happened since my last posting.

     I just got back from my friend's house and I had a blast. We mostly played Xbox360 and just hung out. But while I was gone, I came to a lot of realizations. First; Everything happens for a reason. Secondly; If it's God's will to bring my baby back to me, it will happen. Third; I don't care what anyone says, it's not easy to get over lost love. Sure, there are a lot of other fish in the sea, I'm not in the sea. I'm in a fish tank, and in that fish tank there is only one other fish I have my eyes on. A beautiful fish revered by many other fish. And while I might be having a little bit of trouble letting this particular fish back out into the ocean, I know she'll be able to fend for herself and have no problem finding joy in whatever she does.

     I know it's kind of a lame analogy but this is my blog and I say what I want...... Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

     On a serious note, I have never felt such relief and peace of mind until I let God into my life. I no longer wonder if this fish has found another mate yet. I no longer wonder if she's safe and ok. Because I know that this fish can undoubtedly be happy in whatever she does and I know she'll be safe and not do anything for me to worry.

     Bob Seger has had a great impact on my life recently. Suddenly, I feel like I can relate to the lyrics of his song, Turn The Page.

"On a long and lonesome highway
East of Omaha
You can listen to the engine
Moanin' out his one note song
You can think about the woman
Or the girl you knew the night before
But your thoughts will soon be wandering
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours
And there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
You just wish the trip was through

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

Well you walk into a restaurant,
Strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you
As you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you
But you just want to explode

Most times you can't hear 'em talk,
Other times you can
All the same old cliches,
"Is that a woman or a man?"
And you always seem outnumbered,
You don't dare make a stand

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page

Out there in the spotlight
You're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy
You try to give away
As the sweat pours out your body
Like the music that you play

Later in the evening
As you lie awake in bed
With the echoes from the amplifiers
Ringin' in your head
You smoke the day's last cigarette,
Rememberin' what she said

Here I am
On the road again
There I am
Up on the stage
Here I go
Playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page."


     I know we were meant to fine each other. I just hope that it's in God's plans for us to find each other again. I pray every day for God to give her peace of mind, an open mind, and for Him to show her His plan. As I've said before, all I want is for her to be happy, and if that's not with me, then I'm ok with that. As long as I know she's with a guy who treats her right, loves God, and respects and honors her, then I'll learn to cope with the pain. God is helping me so much through all of this and I know I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without Him.

     If you're reading this, love of mine, I love you very much and I want you to live your life happy with no regrets. I forgive you. I don't even know if you ever did anything to be sorry for or anything that needs my forgiveness, but if so, I forgive you. I love you with all of my heart and that will never change.

     You asked me the other day if I hated you. The answer is no. I could never hate you. I'm very hurt about what's been happening with us, I miss you very much and I'm sorry it had to end this way. I'm in no way angry with you. I'm so happy I was blessed to have you for as long as I did, there's no room for anger in my heart.

     I know that at times I seem very pathetic and depressed, but inside I am overwhelmed with joy that, for a short while, I could call you my girlfriend.

-Josh Jeffrey

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What A Great Ending To A Great Day

     Just earlier tonight, I had an amazing talk with my mom and someone she introduced me to. I met him at the Barnes & Noble Cafe at 8:30 and we ended up talking about love, religion, theories, and everything in between until 1am. When I left there, I realized how I was living my life wrong and not following God's wishes. It completely changed my outlook of life, Christianity, and love. I'm so glad I was blessed to meet this great guy and I'm sure we'll hang out again soon.

     It's amazing how God can turn an "OK" day into something spectacular in just a matter of hours. I had no idea the of the sins I had been guilty of until tonight and it made me realize how deep I really was into leading a bad life. I've broken every one of the 10 commandments at least once (in my heart and in life). I just prayed and prayed for God's forgiveness and no sooner than I stopped praying, I felt His presence beside me, cheering me up, comforting me, and letting me know it will all be ok.

     As I have said before, if you had told me a year ago that I would find God in the most unexpected way, I never would have believed you. No one in existence could have convinced me that God is real and really cares. I had to find out for myself, and when I did, it's like being reborn.  found a quote on the internet the other day. I can't find it again (of course), but I'll recite it to the best of my ability:

     "You can live days, months even years without anything new happening in your life. Then, all of a sudden, so much can happen in just a second or part of a second that it's like you've been born again with a new lease on life."

     I hope you get something out of reading my blog. I'm glad you do, whoever you are, but I'm tired now and I'm going to bed.

-Josh Jeffrey

Monday, September 27, 2010

One More Thing

I know I just updated but hear this; 

I just went out to smoke and while I was asking God for strength, I saw two doves fly overhead, cooing at each other lovingly. I know now that no matter what happens with my love and myself in terms of getting back together later on or not, that everything will be alright. If I didn't believe in God an hour ago, I do now!

Thank you, God. Always doing the unexpected and surprising me :)

-Josh Jeffrey

Just Another Day

     Me and my parents went swimming at The Villages today. Nothing particularity special happened. We hung out with some old people at first, at the Beachside Pool. I can't stand being at that pool anymore. It just does something to me knowing I might never be here with my love again. So we stayed there long enough to talk to the old people for a second, I smoked a cigarette by the lake and we left.

     We then went to the old pool at "The Lodge", another part of The Villages. It was nicer there. I could relax in the hot tub, talk to my parents about God and life and it was great. I met a man there who was originally from Ohio and he was here to visit. Of course that sent me down a road I wasn't ready to go on. I told him my ex girlfriend :'( and her mom and I went to Ohio and we ate at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame overlooking Lake Erie. As much as it hurt when I realized that I might never be able to do anything like that again, it reminded me of the small details of our trip and that made me happy, knowing that I spent that week with the most amazing girl in the world and her mom.

     I miss this girl so much. She was the world to me, I would have done anything for her and I still would. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time bickering about useless shit. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never hurt her or wasted out precious time together by arguing over things that don't even matter. Like I said before, if I had it to do all over again, I would have savored every moment spent with this girl. If I had known the night that I dropped her off at her mom's house so I could spend some alone time with my parents and her with her mom, I never would have stopped hugging and kissing her. Because now, here I am, depressed and violently sick and she's no where to be found. She's no longer here to comfort me when I throw up or stay up late with me when my stomach is upset. I never knew love before meeting this amazing girl and I'll never know that kind of love again.

     On a lighter note, we had amazing times. That's what's keeping me going now, the memories of what we had. Some people get down and depressed about the face that they may never have it again, and I fall into that too sometimes. But I remember when she was in love with me. I remember walking along the beach at The Villages, kissing, holding hands, and taking pictures together. I do miss that, very very much. But I know that she was truly in love with me then and that's what helps me sleep at night. Knowing that there was a time when she would look into my eyes and tell me she truly loves me after a passionate kiss or a romance movie, is what keeps me going.

     As much as I would love to have that all back, I'm satisfied knowing I had her for as long as I did. All I want now is for her to be happy in whatever she does. I want her to find someone who can treat her right and not cuss at her on accident and not argue about things that aren't important. As much as it would kill me seeing her with another guy's hand tangled with her like ours once were, it would bring peace to my heart knowing that she's happy. That's all I care about. If she can be happy with me in the future, then I want that with everything I am. But if she can't see herself being happy with me ever again, then I don't want her to take me back if her hearts not in it. Am I making sense?

     I can't begin to tell you about the amazing time we had together. Too many to count. Valentines weekend when she got us a hotel room, bought me a BB gun and we went out to Red Lobster for dinner. Of course, the week we were in Ohio with her mom was magic. Even on our first date I knew this girl was different, and if you're reading this, don't let this get you down. I'm so happy we did all of those wonderful things together. I'll never forget the day that squirrel ran up to me, climbed up my leg and just cuddled me. She and I stayed outside for about an hour or two just holding it, taking pictures, and it eventually fell asleep in her shirt. It was days like those which set us apart from normal couples, and I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

     If anyone is reading this, thanks for listening and caring. I love you all and I know, in my heart, that without God being in my life (if I knew it or not), none of this ever could have been possible. Thank you God for allowing me to spend an entire 13 months with the girls of my dreams. We had some rough times but in my opinion, the good definately outweighed the bad.

Thanks for listening,
-Joshua Jeffrey

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Longest Nights

     As the night wears on and sleepiness sets in, I can't stop thinking about how I might never be able to hold the love of my life in my arms again. I might not be able to kiss those warm, loving lips again. I might not be able to fall asleep next to the girl of my dreams and wake up and see her smiling back at me.

     I've had my fair share of heart break but none of it is anything compared to this. What she and I had was different. We were comfortable with each other from the start. We took showers together, we went clothes shopping together, even made dinner together a time or two. The days I spent with her were magical. Even though I would fight about random, useless shit, I loved her and still love her with every fiber of my being.

     Nothing can ever take away the great times we shared, but what you never hear about is the fact that nothing can bring them back either. I had the time of my life with this amazing girl who will remain nameless and nothing will ever change that. But also, I might never be able to have that back again. She's the love of my life, and as I said before, my first true love, the first girl I ever made love to, and as some of you don't know, the first girl I ever spent a night with.

     But now, God is in my heart and He is helping me more than I ever thought possible. But it's this time of day when my loneliness really begins to set in and the darkness surrounds me. Only now do I come off of my good mood, and see what true life is really like. Restless nights, cold sweats, uncontrollable shaking and vomiting. These are just a few of my problems of my nightly routine.

     I want nothing more than her to be happy in whatever she does. I love her with all of my heart and I can't stand the thought of her being lonely or unhappy..

Thanks for listening,
-Joshua Jeffrey

A Brand New Day

     Today was a great day, I beat a video game with my brother, I went for a swing on the rope swing in the back yard, and I read the first 15 chapters of the Bible.  I never knew that I could be so loved and so taken care of the way God takes care of me and loves me. When I pray for strength, I feel His presence inside of me, cheering me up and showing me the beauty of the world. A year ago if you had asked me if I have faith, I would have said no, I was an atheist. But after all that's happened in my life like finding true love and spending a year with an amazing girl, whom I will never forget, I have found God and realized He's been there, watching over me, all along.

     I met the love of my life on MySpace. And if you know me, you know I NEVER check my MySpace. I just happened to be online at the same time she was and I struck up a conversation with her. Little did I know I would fall in love and spend a year and a month with the girl of my dreams. Even though it's over now, I feel a sense of satisfaction knowing that for a year, she was all mine. We went to bed together, woke up together, went out to smoke together and countless other things that may seem normal to you, were made magical just because of the person I shared those times with.

     I sat outside on my dad's tailgate of his truck and remembered the countless nights and days she and I would spend out there. Smoking cigarettes and watching the clouds or looking at the stars. These things may be taken for granted by some people. Most people look up at the sky and see white and blue. When I was with her, I saw beauty and love in everything, living or inanimate.

     Now I feel the same way as I did way back then since I have let God into my heart. These cold winds don't seem quite so harsh anymore, instead they remind me of when I first met this love of mine. It was the perfect weather, warm in the sun, cool in the shade every day. And being outside, looking at God's work and everything he has done to make all of this happen brings tears to my eyes. Not because I lost a love, but because I had a love for as long as I did. I was honored to spend 13 months with this girl and I would never want to forget that. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons and I did a lot of growing with this gorgeous girl and nothing can take that away from me.

     Here's a passage of the Bible that really spoke to me, being a man of lesser faith and an Atheist for years:

Psalms 119:28- 42

     I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with your words. Keep me far from every wrong; help me, undeserving as I am, to obey your laws, for I have chosen to do right.I cling to your commands and follow them as closely as I can. Lord, don't let me make a mess of things. If you will only help me to want your will, then I will follow your laws even more closely.

     Just tell me what to do and I will do it, Lord. As long as I live I'll wholeheartedly obey. Make me walk along the right paths for I know how delightful they really are.

     Help me to prefer obedience to making money! Turn me away from wanting any other plan than yours. Revive my heart toward you. Reassure me that your promises are for me, for I trust and revere you.

     How I dread being mocked for obeying, for your laws are right and good. I long to obey them! Therefor in fairness renew my life, for this was your promise--yes, Lord, to save me! Now spare me by your kindness and your love. Then I will have an answer for those who taunt me, for I trust in your promises.


     I know God is in my heart now. He's in every breath I take, every step I have, and every thought that crosses my mind. I want God to fill me up with His love, and he has. If you had told me a year and 3 months ago that I would meet the girl of my dreams, move in with her, get my heart broken, still love her, break her heart, she'll still love me, and find God, I would have laughed you out of my house. I never would have thought that my life would take a turn like this. 19 months ago, I was house sitting for a friend, playing Xbox 360, and not giving a shit about anything. Now I have something true to live for. I live for God now. 6 months ago I lived for the love of my life, I would have done anything for her and I still would to this day, but there's a new kind of love in my heart now, my love for God and God's love for me.

     I conclude this post with one last word. If you have love, never let go of it. Never take it for granted. Never ask too much, never whine about useless shit, never treat her bad. Because if you do, you'll regret it. I took her love for granted and I just sat by while she slipped right through my fingers. I didn't even notice, wanna know why? Because I was too busy arguing about useless shit and picking fights over nothing. I just HAD to have the TV on at night. Or I just HAD to stay up late when she went to bed. If I had it to do all over again, I would have spent every moment with her I could. Never taking my time with her for granted. I know what it's like to love now. My heart has recently been opened to God and I can see now how much one person is capable of loving another. I spent a year with her before opening my eyes and heart to God. If I knew then what I know now, not only would I be happy to do it all over again with no stupid mistakes and arguments, I would have had God in my heart along with her from the beginning.

     If anyone is reading this, know that I love you. Know that God loves you. And when it seems like a coincidence that you meet some random girl on the internet, think about God. I know without a doubt that God wanted us to meet, whether he wants us together or not still, I do not know. But what I do know is that without him, none of this could have been possible. Without him, subconsciously encouraging me to check my MySpace, I never would have met the girl of my dreams and I never would have learned all of these great life lessons. I love you God, thank you for always being there for me, even when I didn't know it.

-Joshua Jeffrey

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Beginning Of The End

     My name is Joshua Paul Jeffrey. I go by the name Josh to most people or to one special person, "Yoshi".

     My life is like any other person's life and this blog starts out the same as many, the topic of today's post is "Love Lost". I was with a girl for a year and a month. Not my longest relationship but the first person I have ever loved and the first person I have ever truly made love to. We had an amazing relationship while it lasted, although I made several horrible mistakes, but we'll get back to that later.

     I love this girl with all of my heart. She's charming, witty, funny, sweet, passionate, and the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid my eyes on. And I just let her slip right through my fingers. This girl who will remain nameless, took my heart and held it with such gentle love and care. I have never been with someone so real and so honest and so loving before. I've had several "loves" in my day but I never truly knew what love was like until I met this girl. She and I defined each other. We lived together for %99 of our relationship, and the only time we didn't live together was when we first met.

     From the moment I met this extraordinary girl I knew things would be different forever. I knew I needed to have her in my life, as a friend or otherwise.

     The first date we went on, we were so comfortable with each other instantly. At the time, neither of us wanted a relationship. We were both just looking for physical contact of the opposite sex. But as I got to know this girl for who she really was, I found out what an amazing person she is. On our second date before entering a relationship was amazing. We didn't go out to dinner or see a movie or anything like that. We just went to the park, held hands and kissed. As an example of how comfortable we were with each other, as I got out of her car for her to go home, on instinct, she told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. Without hesitation I told this new girl, whom I had only met on MySpace and in person once before, that I loved her. It wasn't a lie.

     Over the next several months, we spent nights together, got to know each other better, and before you know it, she moved in with me and my parents. Our love was a love that was more than love, no doubt about it.

     Around the 8-9th month of our relationship, tragedy struck. Me in my immature self broke up with the girl of my dreams (not knowing what I had), and had relations with another individual who will also remain nameless. This is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life. I have ALWAYS said, "I regret nothing, because everything I've been through had made me who I am today". Now I have two regrets, leaving her and having sex with another girl, and letting the girl of my dreams slip right through my fingers.

     I couldn't have been more upset about what I did. I cried and cried and begged her for forgiveness and finally, after telling her what a huge mistake I made, she took me back. From then on, I never took her or her love for granted again.

     For the next several months, we had amazing times. I went on a road trip to Ohio with her and her mom (which was an honor I cannot explain), we fell asleep together every night, and woke up with each other every morning. I still didn't realize how much I could really love someone until recently.

     When I found God, it came at a bad time, I wronged some people and made a complete ass of myself and embarrassed myself, the love of my life, her mother, and my entire family and that's something I'll never forgive myself for. I cannot explain to you how much it kills me to this day to admit it, but I didn't know a good thing when I had it, and I would do anything to feel those lips against mine once again.

     I have God in my heart now and he's helping me through this time of need (needless to say, the girl of my dreams fell out of love with me, with good cause too. Who could REALLY love someone as heartless and immature as myself). I always told her I needed her because she always told me she needed me. Truth be known, I never NEEDED her. I loved her so much, that I WANTED her around in whatever I did. I always wanted to be by her side no matter what. I couldn't sleep when I was out of town because I knew if I had a bad dream, I would wake up without her to console me. That was another mistake, I told her I needed her too often. Yes, my love, I do want you around. More than you know. But look at me now, I'm a mess. I miss you more than you could possibly imagine and I haven't gone 30 minutes without breaking down. I'm not writing this for anyone to pity me and I'm not writing this to hurt your feeling or to make you feel bad, my nameless love. I'm writing this to help me cope. I'm writing this to help me live through this time of depression and hatred (towards myself).

     If you're reading this, I'm not looking for your "Awws" and your "I'm sorrys". I want it to be known that I loved and lost. That I took a girl for granted and now she's gone. I can't help her feelings and I don't want her back if her heart isn't truly into it. I want her love, and if I can't have it, I want her to be happy in whatever she does. I could never be mad at her, or hate her, or stop loving her. It's who I am. I love this girl with my entire heart and that will never change.

     Please forgive me, my love for all I have ever done to hurt you. As I have said, I didn't know a good thing when I had it and I let you slip right through my fingers. That's something I'll never forgive myself for.

     If we don't work out in the end, I want you to have a good life. I want you to find someone who treated you better than I ever did. I was an asshole, a jerk, and a very mean person towards you sometimes and if I had known that then, things might be very different now.

     You have taught me many things about myself that I didn't know. You taught me that I can be strong, you taught me how to love, and most of all, you taught me about God. For these things, I could never repay you.

     If you're reading this, please know that this isn't me begging for you to come back to me. That would be really easy for me to do. This is me, letting you know how much I love you. This is me letting you know that I'm in love with you and I always will be. No one and nothing can ever take away the fantastic memories we shared and that's all I have left now. All that remains is my memories of you and that's what's keeping me going. When I cry or get down, I think about going to Ohio with you, spending the day at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and eating lunch over Lake Erie. These are memories I'll never forget and memories like these are what help me sleep at night and get through the day.

I promised you that I'll be safe and I know it eases your mind and heart knowing that I would never hurt myself. All I want is for you to be happy, and if that means I can never hold you in my arms or kiss you again, so be it. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and have a good life.

Yours now and forever,
-Joshua Jeffrey