Me and my parents went swimming at The Villages today. Nothing particularity special happened. We hung out with some old people at first, at the Beachside Pool. I can't stand being at that pool anymore. It just does something to me knowing I might never be here with my love again. So we stayed there long enough to talk to the old people for a second, I smoked a cigarette by the lake and we left.
We then went to the old pool at "The Lodge", another part of The Villages. It was nicer there. I could relax in the hot tub, talk to my parents about God and life and it was great. I met a man there who was originally from Ohio and he was here to visit. Of course that sent me down a road I wasn't ready to go on. I told him my ex girlfriend :'( and her mom and I went to Ohio and we ate at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame overlooking Lake Erie. As much as it hurt when I realized that I might never be able to do anything like that again, it reminded me of the small details of our trip and that made me happy, knowing that I spent that week with the most amazing girl in the world and her mom.
I miss this girl so much. She was the world to me, I would have done anything for her and I still would. I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time bickering about useless shit. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never hurt her or wasted out precious time together by arguing over things that don't even matter. Like I said before, if I had it to do all over again, I would have savored every moment spent with this girl. If I had known the night that I dropped her off at her mom's house so I could spend some alone time with my parents and her with her mom, I never would have stopped hugging and kissing her. Because now, here I am, depressed and violently sick and she's no where to be found. She's no longer here to comfort me when I throw up or stay up late with me when my stomach is upset. I never knew love before meeting this amazing girl and I'll never know that kind of love again.
On a lighter note, we had amazing times. That's what's keeping me going now, the memories of what we had. Some people get down and depressed about the face that they may never have it again, and I fall into that too sometimes. But I remember when she was in love with me. I remember walking along the beach at The Villages, kissing, holding hands, and taking pictures together. I do miss that, very very much. But I know that she was truly in love with me then and that's what helps me sleep at night. Knowing that there was a time when she would look into my eyes and tell me she truly loves me after a passionate kiss or a romance movie, is what keeps me going.
As much as I would love to have that all back, I'm satisfied knowing I had her for as long as I did. All I want now is for her to be happy in whatever she does. I want her to find someone who can treat her right and not cuss at her on accident and not argue about things that aren't important. As much as it would kill me seeing her with another guy's hand tangled with her like ours once were, it would bring peace to my heart knowing that she's happy. That's all I care about. If she can be happy with me in the future, then I want that with everything I am. But if she can't see herself being happy with me ever again, then I don't want her to take me back if her hearts not in it. Am I making sense?
I can't begin to tell you about the amazing time we had together. Too many to count. Valentines weekend when she got us a hotel room, bought me a BB gun and we went out to Red Lobster for dinner. Of course, the week we were in Ohio with her mom was magic. Even on our first date I knew this girl was different, and if you're reading this, don't let this get you down. I'm so happy we did all of those wonderful things together. I'll never forget the day that squirrel ran up to me, climbed up my leg and just cuddled me. She and I stayed outside for about an hour or two just holding it, taking pictures, and it eventually fell asleep in her shirt. It was days like those which set us apart from normal couples, and I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.
If anyone is reading this, thanks for listening and caring. I love you all and I know, in my heart, that without God being in my life (if I knew it or not), none of this ever could have been possible. Thank you God for allowing me to spend an entire 13 months with the girls of my dreams. We had some rough times but in my opinion, the good definately outweighed the bad.
Thanks for listening,
-Joshua Jeffrey
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